Thankyou once again for your support.

Have been sick several times today am actually scared to eat again because i dont know if my body will keep it down not sure what has caused this bought of sickness feel fairly well in myself though did have a migraine this morning and took a painkiller to ease it so perhaps thats it. its a little scary having been bulimic not so long ago have to remind myself its ok to eat agian when i am hungry

Things have calmed down but what do you do in the evenings when theres no work to be done no eating to be done no cleaning or anything you have to do. you havent really got the energy to go out yet its to early to go to sleep what do you do with yourself this is the question i am struggling with at the moment. theres an empty space that obsessing about food once would have filled

feeling better about things at the moment took time out for myself had an amazing massage.


Anyway im loving dizzi dulcimer she plays a lot of percussion and it semms to have rekindled the love i had for playing musical instruments as a child though i never stuck to any one thing for very long!!

www.dizzi.co.uk im enjoying the dizzi videos at the moment its nice to think about something other than food that interests me!!! seems one of my trigger moments for emotional eating is in the evening when i havent got anything satisfying i really enjoy doing.

Had an appointment with my healer/counsellor this evening and things seem a lot clearer now everything thats been going on makes more sense now. On the way home something clicked i realised that i have been running myself ragged to make up for the feelings of guilt of not working full time or as much as my parents who have given me soo much. Therefore when i do get time 2 myself im not present with myself as im putting so much energy into not wanting to feel guilty, ill play computer games flat out or run around having to do this that everything. No wonder my body is tired and ive caught infection after infection. So i worked myslef up into such a tiss that im repressing all my feelings not looking after myself no wonder ive been craving lots and been super cranky.

Reading Geenen Roth and Oriah Mountain Dreamer they have both had to slow down and make sure they rest and look after themselves, much as i read or listen to good advice i always seem to have to find these things out for myself as we all do i suppose.

I dont think a new job or running away is the answer i think im having to find a way to calm down a bit in my own life as it is now. It affects so many different parts of my life like driving (my thought process is i've got to get to work quickly but are those few minutes i gain by rushing really worth it if i have an accident), working (my thought process is i've got to get as much stuff out as possible as soon as possible, does it really make a difference how quick i get everything out? i doubt it, im just wearing my body down), home ( my thought process is ive got to get everything done as soon as possible for example cleaning, so that i can sit down and relax, once again i work myself up into such a tiss that when i have got everything done i cant relax and i have trouble getting to sleep!!!! ) im scared to spend time with myself, i find myself eating to fill up the empty spaces, im sure geenen roth said something along the lines of eating is a socially acceptable way of taking time for oneself

feeling quite down at the moment spent most of last week feeling very angry and cranky struggling to get through work at the moment thankfully have an appointment with healer/counsellor on wednesday. have bee living on cravings and i think this is due to me repressing some of my feelings. Have thereofre stocked up on the cakes and sweets ive been craving this seems to have helped a little. hate to admit it but im feeling a bit fat and like crap after the cake ive been eating. Have been wondering again whether to go away for the weekend on the woman within training though i suspect this might be partly me wanting to escape though i know i want to get more in touch with myself as i am struggling at the moment. i suppose i just want a big hug and a little help perhaps as one might receive from a mother, i know logically that food cant give me that though i am trying to find other ways but right now food seems to be the best way i know to take care of myself at the moment.

was very wound up in work this afternoon think it was partly due to tiredeness and also felt on edge all day as we were having a visit in work from the top boss. Also spent all of my lunch hour running around mainly for other people though that was my own fault in hindsight i could have left it till tomorrow, unofrtunately i like to get everything done as soon as otherwise it plays on my mind and i cant relax. its good that i am noticing this and rationalizing in my head that you cant do everthing there is always something else no matter how hard you try.

I snapped at one of the girls in work think im realizing that i am only human i cant go round being nice to everyone the whole time it would have been worse to bitch about her behind her back rather than tell her i was annoyed that she took all morning to clean two shelves in my department therfore creating more hassle for everyone else. i do feel guilty about it but better than i would have had i stewed on it and probably stuffed my feelings of anger down with food as i did a little of at break time.

have been considering going on a woman within weekend with transitions europe as it is coming up in march but i dont think i can really justify paying for it at the moment would also like to find out more about it. as i have progressed along my journey which started with beyond chocolate i have found the focus shifting off food and i am discovering the issues underneath i have found my sessions with a healer extrodinarly helpfull over the past year i have found out so much about myself i only get slightly disillusioned when he starts talking about god and so forth some parts of spirituality appeal to me but some of it gets over complicated and while i do like thinking loving thoughts, reality kicks in and i realise i am only human and perfectly within my rights to get angry and sad sometimes. I suppose it all comes back to the simplicity of the beyond chocolate idea of tuning in discovering our emotions and how to be with them express them if we need to.

I have found Oriah Mountain Dreamers audiobooks invaluable of late have started listening to the call the past few days. As i am finding more out about myself i am finding that with many of the books i have read courses i have been on i am able to pick out the bits that resonate with me. i dont think i would ever want to follow a perscribed path as i am enjoying finding my own way (haha i just realised perhaps this is being my own guru). im hungry for more at the moment though oriah in her books and geneen too speak of retreats and so forth they all sound such wonderfull experiences, roll on April and the first week of the beyond chocolate training.

feel a bit sick really have just had chocolate sauce and icecream attempt at milkshake didnt really work out wasnt really what i was after am thankful for delious food today and thankful for a wonderfull weekend. feel like im eating at every spare moment as though im working hard then eating thats had a breather after work but was still on the go. perhaps i should risk letting myself get hungry thereis never a break far away just dont like having to wait ages for food as is often case in work want to chill out a bit